My dear Sophie,
I find it hard to express my feelings since I’m not dancing
anymore, but I miss you.
I don’t feel complete without you, struggling to live my life.
You managed to escape from our quarter life crisis, and
left me stuck in the sumpf. You set yourself goals and work
towards achieving them; I set myself goals, but then go out
or watch movies during the day. I don’t even read anymore.
Are we still the same person? Or is it far more than our hair
that distinguishes us by now?
We only exist as we are seen by others, right? Me, for
example, I will always be who I think you think I am because
if you are not, I am not. As we don’t talk anymore, I feel like
I don’t exist. Your life is all easy, and fun, and beautiful. My
life is fucked up. You left. And with you my home, my job and
my confidence. I’m back to Vassar college. As a waitress.
Instead of looking forward, working on my future, I’m going
back to the past, hopelessly trying to get back the good
times we shared. But we are only moving further and further
apart in time and space.
I know that there are times in life when everything falls apart.
The time is now. And I also know that I’ll be better again. I’ll
be fine. You are still the best person I know. I’m happy that
you’re doing great.
Life is never as it seems from the outside. Mine is not what
you think it is and I am certainly not who I think you think I
am. I have my own struggles, and I had to reset my goals
so many times. I wanted to be a successful editor by now;
instead I’m an almost-mother who gave up her dreams for
someone else’s financial success. I was seeking comfort in a
comfortable life. I am sorry I left, but I thought it would be the
best for me. I don’t say I’m unhappy with Patch and my life
in Japan, but nothing goes as planned for me either, so don’t
say that and don’t believe everything you read on my blog.
You’re doing great! You’re taking your time, but you still have
your dreams burning inside you. I know that. Confidence is
a fragile thing and don’t think that my confidence is very big
right now, but it is just resting. It will be back.
See the times of change as times for healing. Pick up the
broken pieces of your life, don’t throw them away, and put
them back together one by one, but make something new.
Take all the time you need to collect the shards, take time to
find a quiet space within yourself, and work. I promise, you
will be surprised by the real person you eventually are going
Love you, and always will,
This writing originally appeared in Shelf Heroes, Issue F, pp.28-29